I almost started this off by saying that I now understand the meaning of what it is to be holy, but lately all that I am learning is that I don't know much of anything! I'm shown bits and pieces of an ice burg, less than 10%, and walk away feeling like I am completely aware of the other 90%! Oh what depths the Lord has, more and more and more. His knowledge is infinite and it's in the moments when I think I can even comprehend His thoughts that I realize how silly I am! Fragile, finite and foolish- the only good thing in me being HIM.
I feel like He has gotten a rake and is tearing away at dirt, roots, thorns, and all the things that are choking out the seeds that His word brings into my life.. Bad thoughts that I have allowed from my mind into my heart... The things I've allowed myself to meditate on in my heart have defiled me and yet He has not given up on doing whatever it takes for me to yield more fruit.
I feel like I am starting all over again, which in my pride I get so angry and frustrated with myself because I'm like, "I should know this already, I DO know this!!!" but I guess its not just knowledge that makes a person wise, it is knowledge in action that brings wisdom... I've been going through a spiritual cleanse(cutting out TV, secular music, books, etc...) and it makes me sick to see how much of my time I have allowed to go to entertaining myself with worldliness, whether it be those books, movies, or music... even friends... I definitely am not trying to jump over to the side of legalism but man its crazy how even in my pursuit of Him it is just something done on the back burner but not the actual center of my entire life, sadly I have allowed myself to become that.
The hardest part of all of this I think was admitting that, because it is always easier to think of myself as good when my scales are false, I compare myself to others and try to make myself feel better that at least I am not doing "this" or "that".... SICK! But reality is a sharp slap in the face.
I am wicked, a sinner, lost without HIM, nothing without HIM... In this revelation of how silly I've allowed myself to become(self sufficient) it is the first time I feel like I am even seeing clearly! My hunger is for HIM! My prayer is to be consumed, that my life would BURN for HIM, that my thoughts and actions would reflect HIS decrees, that I would look away from the world and that He would restore life to me by HIS WORD...(Psalm 119)
I am tired of lying to myself.