Materialism...

Consume.

Consume.

Consume.

Never enough, more-more-more,

never satisfied,

always GRABBING,

searching-

where is my God?

Shiny, names, colors & fabrics,

never still,

never stopping,

I am the rabbit& you the dog,

Chase me.

never caught,

Where is my God?

not here...

It's like holding an idol that constantly evolves.

It changes even in your hards,

On your body- AND THROWN AWAY,

a waste. (PICTURE THE CHILDREN STARVING WITH OUR "LAST YEARS" PRADA BAG IN THE TRASH.$$$$$$$$$$)

but you have to keep updating,

get with it,

because it is always different,

CONSUME!

But guess what, it's already consumed YOU!

Tired. I feel like this season has literally been like trying to get through a knot hole. It has been a constant fight to push through and find light when the darkness seems to consume so much of the picture. I regularly am asking myself, "Where is Jesus?" in all of this...

I am ready for change...

I know that all seasons come to an end and that this is temporary, nothing more than a vapor.

Praying for Jesus to reveal Himself and that my eyes would constantly search for Him in all situations.

The truth will set you free, but sometimes it hurts.

More revelation on what it is to be set apart, or in other words, HOLY..

I almost started this off by saying that I now understand the meaning of what it is to be holy, but lately all that I am learning is that I don't know much of anything! I'm shown bits and pieces of an ice burg, less than 10%, and walk away feeling like I am completely aware of the other 90%! Oh what depths the Lord has, more and more and more. His knowledge is infinite and it's in the moments when I think I can even comprehend His thoughts that I realize how silly I am! Fragile, finite and foolish- the only good thing in me being HIM.

I feel like He has gotten a rake and is tearing away at dirt, roots, thorns, and all the things that are choking out the seeds that His word brings into my life.. Bad thoughts that I have allowed from my mind into my heart... The things I've allowed myself to meditate on in my heart have defiled me and yet He has not given up on doing whatever it takes for me to yield more fruit.

I feel like I am starting all over again, which in my pride I get so angry and frustrated with myself because I'm like, "I should know this already, I DO know this!!!" but I guess its not just knowledge that makes a person wise, it is knowledge in action that brings wisdom... I've been going through a spiritual cleanse(cutting out TV, secular music, books, etc...) and it makes me sick to see how much of my time I have allowed to go to entertaining myself with worldliness, whether it be those books, movies, or music... even friends... I definitely am not trying to jump over to the side of legalism but man its crazy how even in my pursuit of Him it is just something done on the back burner but not the actual center of my entire life, sadly I have allowed myself to become that. 

The hardest part of all of this I think was admitting that, because it is always easier to think of myself as good when my scales are false, I compare myself to others and try to make myself feel better that at least I am not doing "this" or "that".... SICK! But reality is a sharp slap in the face.

I am wicked, a sinner, lost without HIM, nothing without HIM... In this revelation of how silly I've allowed myself to become(self sufficient) it is the first time I feel like I am even seeing clearly! My hunger is for HIM! My prayer is to be consumed, that my life would BURN for HIM, that my thoughts and actions would reflect HIS decrees, that I would look away from the world and that He would restore life to me by HIS WORD...(Psalm 119)

I surrender.

I am tired of lying to myself.

Exhaustion.

From Oswald Chambers... It was too good not to share.

"The everlasting God . . . fainteth not, neither is weary." Isaiah 40:28

Exhaustion means that the vital forces are worn right out. Spiritual exhaustion never comes through sin but only through service, and whether or not you are exhausted will depend upon where you get your supplies. Jesus said to Peter - "Feed My sheep," but He gave him nothing to feed them with. The process of being made broken bread and poured out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for other souls until they learn to feed on God. They must drain you to the dregs. Be careful that you get your supply, or before long you will be utterly exhausted. Before other souls learn to draw on the life of the Lord Jesus direct, they have to draw on it through you; you have to be literally "sucked," until they learn to take their nourishment from God. We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and His sheep as well as for Himself.

Has the way in which you have been serving God betrayed you into exhaustion? If so, then rally your affections. Where did you start the service from? From your own sympathy or from the basis of the Redemption of Jesus Christ? Continually go back to the foundation of your affections and recollect where the source of power is. You have no right to say - "O Lord, I am so exhausted." He saved and sanctified you in order to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember that your supply comes from Him. "All my fresh springs shall be in Thee."