Saturday, March 31, 2012

He loves us anyway...

Meditating on His goodness and steadfast love that NEVER gives up on us, His children.
How is it possible that even in the midst of our sin, He still continues to pursue our hearts and give us so many opportunities to give up and let Him lead us, to life and life ABUNDANTLY?

He has called us to live according to His word, not because He wants to keep us from having a good time, but because He loves us SO much that he sees us reaching for the things we think we want, but that He knows will harm us in the end.

I've been struggling so much lately, so if you read this, please pray for me.

Recently, I've allowed myself to forget how good He is, and how perfect His plan is for my life. I've slowly stepped out of accountability and authority of His Spirit and gone my own way, thinking it would be best, at least temporarily.

For a while, in my sin, I felt nothing, and I thought maybe I had almost gotten away with it... I felt no horrible conviction or regret and have to admit that that was even scarier then the thought of His discipline. Was it possible that it was all in my head?

Of course, the hammer came swinging down and before you know it His RIGHTEOUS Spirit was there dealing with my heart. All at once I realized how far out I'd allowed myself to go, and how miserable it had made me feel. His Spirit was grieved not because He was mad at me, but because He hurt with me... For the wages of sin are death....

I finally see that He was never trying to keep me from what I wanted, He only wanted to give me what He knew I needed, and that could only be found in Him. He doesn't desire to make us hold back, He desires to have us hold out, for what is BEST! I could've preached this all to someone before in some way or another, I know the word... But it is not about words anymore, it is about WALK... I am no longer interested in how GREAT I TALK, but how STRAIGHT I WALK. Head knowledge goes to some point with people, heart knowledge goes a long way, but application is the only thing that will produce life in my faith.

It's been told to me time and time again, "Good is the enemy of GREAT"
Wouldn't that be the best tactic for Satan to use to trip us up?
Was it not bread that Satan offered Jesus in Matthew 4? Is not bread a good thing? Jesus even used it to feed the 5,000 (John 6). Even things that are good are wrong if the timing is not from the Lord, and the reason that is, is because He can see the big picture, we cannot.

It is not an easy road to follow the Lord, but a good indicator of whether or not you're in trouble is if the road is growing broader and broader... It's a two part system, following Jesus. Yes, we accept Him, and that is when we go through the gate, but what about the road...?

Matt. 7:14 - "But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

Sunday, June 19, 2011

To steep, or not to steep, THAT is the question...

While watching tv during my nightly tea session, I started to think about how many images, songs, websites, and even sermons that go in one ear and out the other. The world has become so codependent on entertainment and satiating inner needs with trivial solutions that even those who know the real truth fill themselves with "twinkies" rather than the real "meat and potatoes" that the Lord offers to His children.

I know for myself that consuming is a huge part of my life.

I LOVE to read. I love to learn all that I can about any subject that happens to be of interest to me for that day or week and I will learn all that I can about it, then if something else catches my eye I focus in on that and so the cycle repeats itself. However, in reading the word of God I have come to find it is so much more than learning and hearing the verses, but how long do we allow ourselves to sit and meditate on the power of even ONE verse. To let it steep in our souls, to pray for ultimate revelation, and ultimate freedom in whatever it has for us. I love how the word of God is ALIVE, that it has the ability to separate soul and spirit, that it is ACTIVE
& that it is GOD. It is our manual for living.

I want to read the word and let it steep, I want it to change me. I know that His word does not return void, but I believe it must truly ENTER in order to RETURN.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

"I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist"

My go-to phrase for as long as I can remember.

The main thing I've felt the Lord has been revealing to me is, as it says in 1st Corinthians, that God chooses to use the foolish things to shame the things that are strong, or think they are strong (i.e. me). I've been praying and praying that the world would be redefined to me, that I would look in the world of the unseen, and not just rely on "evidence" of the things that are seen, as it often what is most natural to do. I guess my biggest struggle would be seeing that with people, ironically; people and discipleship are my passion. It's funny how our biggest developments are often correlated with our greatest strengths.

On a side note: There are so many beautiful qualities in women... Obviously we are more emotional, but beyond that, many women are able to read below the surface. They possess a natural intuition, and a sensitivity that takes them to depths of places they would never anticipate. They are able to see and reach into one another's lives, into brokenness and pain, and bring healing. I know not EVERY woman is the same, but it is safe to assume that most women can read between the lines.

But when does reading between the lines become too much?

When does picking up on vibes become just over analyzing?

When does discernment become a critical spirit?

I've been praying and asking the Lord this for what feels like every minute this week. So many memories I have of myself discerning something about someone and allowing it to become permission to gather conclusions that were never mine to gather. I repent often, catching myself jumping the gun yet again. It begins in the moment we stop walking in the spirit, and start walking in the flesh. I've always felt that I was just one of those people who call it like they see it. I am guilty of having done this on so many occasions, speaking death about someone; whether it was in my mind or to another and it breaks my heart. I suppose if we as Christians desire to live counter-culturally, nothing will make sense if we see things with eyes of this world.

I desire to be the kind of mother and wife who speaks life, who never uses the gifts God has given me to spew venom. How is it possible, as James says, to have "both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?"

I thank the Lord every day for his patience with me, how He is always willing to suffer long in the midst of my stubbornness. And yet like the Father, He always convicts me and pulls me forward, never allowing me to stay in my sin. It seems the answer then is not to just pretend and ignore what we discern, but to pull love from the Father and walk out in His spirit. To operate in the realm of agape love.

Oh that I could be more like Him.

To love the way the You love, Lord.
To see the way that You see, Father.

And so, the solution:
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things." [Philippians. 4:8]

amor vincit omnia,

-sinner saved by grace.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Never enough, more-more-more,
never satisfied,
always GRABBING,
where is my God?
Shiny, names, colors & fabrics,
never still,
never stopping,
I am the rabbit& you the dog,
Chase me.
never caught,
Where is my God?
not here...

It's like holding an idol that constantly evolves.
It changes even in your hards,
On your body- AND THROWN AWAY,
but you have to keep updating,
get with it,
because it is always different,

But guess what, it's already consumed YOU!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Tired. I feel like this season has literally been like trying to get through a knot hole. It has been a constant fight to push through and find light when the darkness seems to consume so much of the picture. I regularly am asking myself, "Where is Jesus?" in all of this...

I am ready for change...
I know that all seasons come to an end and that this is temporary, nothing more than a vapor.

Praying for Jesus to reveal Himself and that my eyes would constantly search for Him in all situations.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The truth will set you free, but sometimes it hurts.

More revelation on what it is to be set apart, or in other words, HOLY..

I almost started this off by saying that I now understand the meaning of what it is to be holy, but lately all that I am learning is that I don't know much of anything! I'm shown bits and pieces of an ice burg, less than 10%, and walk away feeling like I am completely aware of the other 90%! Oh what depths the Lord has, more and more and more. His knowledge is infinite and it's in the moments when I think I can even comprehend His thoughts that I realize how silly I am! Fragile, finite and foolish- the only good thing in me being HIM.

I feel like He has gotten a rake and is tearing away at dirt, roots, thorns, and all the things that are choking out the seeds that His word brings into my life.. Bad thoughts that I have allowed from my mind into my heart... The things I've allowed myself to meditate on in my heart have defiled me and yet He has not given up on doing whatever it takes for me to yield more fruit.

I feel like I am starting all over again, which in my pride I get so angry and frustrated with myself because I'm like, "I should know this already, I DO know this!!!" but I guess its not just knowledge that makes a person wise, it is knowledge in action that brings wisdom... I've been going through a spiritual cleanse(cutting out TV, secular music, books, etc...) and it makes me sick to see how much of my time I have allowed to go to entertaining myself with worldliness, whether it be those books, movies, or music... even friends... I definitely am not trying to jump over to the side of legalism but man its crazy how even in my pursuit of Him it is just something done on the back burner but not the actual center of my entire life, sadly I have allowed myself to become that. 

The hardest part of all of this I think was admitting that, because it is always easier to think of myself as good when my scales are false, I compare myself to others and try to make myself feel better that at least I am not doing "this" or "that".... SICK! But reality is a sharp slap in the face.
I am wicked, a sinner, lost without HIM, nothing without HIM... In this revelation of how silly I've allowed myself to become(self sufficient) it is the first time I feel like I am even seeing clearly! My hunger is for HIM! My prayer is to be consumed, that my life would BURN for HIM, that my thoughts and actions would reflect HIS decrees, that I would look away from the world and that He would restore life to me by HIS WORD...(Psalm 119)

I surrender.
I am tired of lying to myself.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


From Oswald Chambers... It was too good not to share.

"The everlasting God . . . fainteth not, neither is weary." Isaiah 40:28

Exhaustion means that the vital forces are worn right out. Spiritual exhaustion never comes through sin but only through service, and whether or not you are exhausted will depend upon where you get your supplies. Jesus said to Peter - "Feed My sheep," but He gave him nothing to feed them with. The process of being made broken bread and poured out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for other souls until they learn to feed on God. They must drain you to the dregs. Be careful that you get your supply, or before long you will be utterly exhausted. Before other souls learn to draw on the life of the Lord Jesus direct, they have to draw on it through you; you have to be literally "sucked," until they learn to take their nourishment from God. We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and His sheep as well as for Himself.

Has the way in which you have been serving God betrayed you into exhaustion? If so, then rally your affections. Where did you start the service from? From your own sympathy or from the basis of the Redemption of Jesus Christ? Continually go back to the foundation of your affections and recollect where the source of power is. You have no right to say - "O Lord, I am so exhausted." He saved and sanctified you in order to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember that your supply comes from Him. "All my fresh springs shall be in Thee."